By Con/35th & Jackson
Our annual nod to the Ted Miller. Previously ESPN.
Here we will run our best case/worst case scenario for the 2019 Oregon State Football season. All very real possibilities but extreme in both cases.
PSA: Every year we think we go to the extreme… but once again, we were not EXTREME enough last year with point performances, we will try and take this to another level AGAIN… for last year’s, see here: Best/Worst Case 2018
Here’s to 2019.
Worst: Black and orange vs black and orange. A classic tale and the first meeting between the two teams turns out to be a nightmare for the home team and fans already start to dread the return trip to Stillwater.
First play of the game, Champ Flemmings on the return gets lit up by Rodarius Williams at the 17 yard line. Williams stands over Flemmings, but from the fans eyes he stands over the turf as Flemmings vaporizes into the turf. With Trevon Bradford out and now Champ vaporized, Kolby Taylor steps in.
Luton drops back, throws a 10 yard slant to Taylor and he is off to the races. Luton being the leader and captain he is (with his new added speed from off season training) races down for a lead block via Sunshine in Remember the Titans. However, Sunshine didnt have a broken neck or ankle. Luton lowers his head and his head gets taken off by you guessed it, Rodarius Williams. Luton’s body falls to the turf and his head remains rolling at the opponents 13 yard line where Kolby Taylor trips and breaks the same leg he broke his senior year in high school. OK State picks up the fumble and houses it the other way. 7-0 Pokes, Beavs down 3 players after two plays…
Instead of Tristan Gebbia coming in for the relief of the headless Luton, Niner decides to ground and pound with QB/LB (yes I typed that combo right) Jack Colletto. The triple option ensues. Oregon State scores four straight TD’s on 45 consecutive running plays but OK State matches them with four straight TD’s on four total passing plays. Tibesar’s defense is a disaster, Colletto gets gassed playing both ways, and David Morris breaks his neck on special teams and retires from football mid third quarter. Adley Rutchman the special guest, takes a knee centerfield for his fallen fellow Sherwood Bowman.
Ok State has 20 total plays, 11 touchdowns… We lose 84-28.
Best: Black and orange vs black and orange. A classic tale and the first meeting between the two teams turns out to be a nightmare for the AWAY team and fans already start to salivating about the return trip to Stillwater. Phil books a one way flight to Stillwater for 2020 midway through the 3rd quarter. Braught says he is “in” but preemptively says he can’t get PTO that close (one year) to date…
Now to the field, orange smoke starts to rise from Reser at 7:27, OK State enters… the orange smoke is extinguished by a cloud of black smoke from the Beaver locker room… Elu Aydon emerges carrying Champ Flemmings in a backpack ala Yoda on Luke Skywalkers back… Champ throws an orange lightsaber over his head that is caught by Jemar Jefferson and ignited to show an orange glow in a cloud of black…Jefferson emerges with a Darth Vader mask on… Hamiclar Rashed, no helmet, comes out with his signature skull bandanna over his face holding a frozen carbonite encapsulation of Gary Andersen… Jefferson slashes the carbonite in two with his lightsaber and the rest of the team runs out crushing the pieces of Andersen in carbonite… 46,000 strong pack Reser and erupt as 300 Violin Orchestra (2010 intro video music) blares over the loud speakers. Jonathan Smith is shown in the intro video swinging his sword on the Cal Poly mascot… Everyone is confused and yelling “we are playing Ok State…” Loud speaker comes on and it is announced pre game that Cal Poly has cancelled their meeting with OSU during week three and Utah State has replaced them on the schedule at Reser. Scott Barnes cowers.
Now onto the action… Luton comes out firing and the offense makes Hawaii’s run and shoot look elementary with Jefferson gashing the OK State defense for chunk after chunk. Jefferson finishes with 214 yard and 3 TD’s. Luton throws 4 TD’s and the defense shines in a Big 12 route… Mike Gundy disgusted post game, shaves his mullet on the walkway to Gill locker room. Con picks up his hair as a trophy.
We win 70-31.
Worst: With OSU reeling after a blowout loss to the other OSU, Nick Rolovich plays hardball. Matthew Tago transfers to Hawaii on Thursday of game week, cites “homesick.” Niner questions on Twitter as Tago is not from Hawaii… Tweets at Nick Daschel on accident… Nick Daschel runs routine background check on Coach Smith…
With half OSU fans in attendance, Beavs get off to a quick start up 14-0 on two Arty long TD runs. With the ball and the lead, Colletto audibles and decides to abandon the triple option run game and signals for “PA Read.” Fakes to Jefferson and gets strip sacked by Matthew Tago who gained immediate eligibility with an “extreme weather” exemption, houses the fumble and does the hakka dance with Isiah Tufaga in the endzone who is also magically eligible with a newly created “homesick” waiver…
Hawaii loads the box and Colletto is forced to throw and throws five picks. Cole McDonald throws 7 TD’s and 600 yards and Tim Tibesar cries postgame shaking the hand of Mark Banker on the opposing Hawaii sideline. Banker offers to take over for his newly met friend and Tibesar accepts on the spot. Doesn’t tell Niner. Scott Barnes endorses Banker… more to come…
We lose 56-20.
Best: With part of Mike Gundy’s mullet embedded into his Hawaiian lei, Jonathan Smith trots out pre game to meet Nick Rolovich. Rolo, shirtless, brings Isiah Tufaga with him to greet Coach Smith. Addison Gumbs clocks Rolo before he meets Smith and Rolo is out cold… Mark Banker takes on head coaching duties… Brain Lindgren can’t contain himself and comes out of the box to coach on field… Pulls a Lane Kiffin and raises his hands right as Luton releases an eighty yard bomb to fresh off injury, Trevon Bradford. Bradford stiff arms Hawaii LB and front flips in the endzone. 7-0.
With Banker taking over, Tim Tibesar knows it’s his time. He gathers the OSU defense and tells them to “blitz all night.” Matthew Tago and Avery Roberts combine for 13 TFLs and 5 sacks. Hawaii has 148 yard of total offense which leads to a “sloppy coaching” comment postgame from Tim Tibesar when asked how the defense dominated Hawaii.
Banker’s defense gets exposed and Luton throws a 53 yard hail mary before halftime and OSU cruises to a 52-13 win.
Nick Rolovich gets put on probation by the NCAA for illegal player transfer portal contact and Mark Banker takes over head coaching for the rest of the season and goes 2-10. Gets promoted to head coach as Rolo is sentenced to 7 years in prison by the FBI for illegal payoffs to transfer players and NCAA backroom officials.
Worst: Cal Poly’s triple option is almost too much to handle for OSU. Beavs get down 21-0, Collettos heroics tie the game up with 2 minutes left. Cal Poly drives to OSU 4 yard line, throws back shoulder fade and Jaydon Grant picks it and returns to the house as time expires avenging Jordan Poyer’s Sac State fade route…
We win 28-21.
Best: (Schedule change to Utah State)
Gary Andersen walks down the Reser ramp 4 hours before pre game… Phil shouting “big boy pants” gets escorted out by red coats for “threatening comments”
Andy takes over dressed as a blonde cheerleader and Braught as a frat house dad… wait… Gary smirks at Andy as he passes by… Darrel Garretson, the newly named offensive coordinator at Utah State, threatens to “shut up” all the OSU fans pre game… Proceeds to run QB power exclusively for the first half and finds himself in a 21-3 halftime hole… Jemar Jefferson rushes for 149 yards and a score and gets his name in the first Heisman watchlist. Isiah Hodgins snags 3 TD’s from Luton and bows to Gary on the sideline. Issac Hodgins channels his inner Gary Berteer and sacks Darrel Garretson’s half brother, Seth Collins Jr. the QB for Utah State and points at Gary. Andersen mysteriously disappears during a long 4th quarter, and quits HC position next day citing “I am the wrong f-ing guy.” Garretson takes over HC duties and Seth Collins Jr. comes down with bird flu and “almost dies” in hospital but plays the next week… Utah State goes 3-9 on the year beating Hawaii, Colorado State and BYU.
With the offense in sync, and Tim T’s defense improved, OSU rolls to a 55-13 win and season ticket sales double overnight as OSU announces start date of end of 2019 season for Raising Reser Part III West Side completion. Scott Barnes becomes AD at Nebraska, Pat Casey becomes interim AD at OSU. Raises $19 million on first day…
Worst: With newly appointed (by Scott Barnes) interim defensive coordinator Mark Banker at the helm, OSU switches to a 0-10-1 defense. Smith enraged by Barnes’ actions, calls Tim Euhus for advice. Tim tells him to invest in Edward Jones retirement fund… Banker places Elu Aydon and Jordan Whitely at outside LB spots to try and counter Stanfords power run looks. Chaos ensues when Elu recovers fumble only for play to be reversed by newly appointed Pac-12 replay official, Glasses ref. With play clearly botched, Elu quits football for reality TV show. Whitely gets concussed and never plays football again. Colletto scores 2 TD’s but 3 picks. Stanford powers through OSU defense and Addison Gumbs is lost for the year with another torn ACL. Avery Roberts gets suspended for “attitude problems” by Mark Banker and the mutiny begins… Having already lost Matthew Tago to transfer, Jalen Moore joins him and John McCartan follows to Oregon. Mario Cristobal signs Isiah Tufagas brother during early signing period and Jim Leavitt returns to UO mid season after Andy Alvaros leaves for CFL job.
We lose 35-18.
Best: With a surprising move, Jonathan Smith starts with Jack Colletto in the game on first offensive play. With Elu Aydon at fullback, defense expects a run heavy… Colletto steps up and fakes the run, throws to Teagan Quitoriano for a 67 yard TD rumble carrying 3 Stanford defenders to the end zone. Noah Togai scores twice but is lost for the season breaking his arm on a PAT attempt protection. Applies for medical hardship but realizes he had already. Transfers to Utah State to finish degree. Luke Musgrave steps in and catches a TD late and Beavs squeak it out on a Jeffrey Nelson extra point make after Musgrave’s TD.
We win 28-27.
Worst: Chip Kelly has restored UCLA to prominence and Dennis Dixon Jr. starts at QB after injuries force the true frosh walk on (one week on team) into action. The gamble pays off for Chip as Dixon Jr. passes for 300 yards and runs for another 100 yards and embarrasses Mark Banker’s “defense” AGAIN… UCLA embarrasses OSU and Chip smiles for the first time in 10 years as time runs out… Nick Daschel tweets suspicious “eye glass emoji” face… Danny Moran favorites tweet… Arty is lost for the season on injury and leaves school to prepare for the NFL draft.
We lose 41-17.
Best: OSU cracks the top 25 polls and is featured on College Gameday with their Star Wars pre game routine that is becoming a fan favorite across the nation. The turn over chainsaw is now being used every 10 minutes and the OSU defense leads the nations with 19 turnovers forced in 5 games. 3 against UCLA and it proves dire for the Bruins as OSU escapes the Rose Bowl with a slim victory with Luton throwing 3 picks but Jefferson carrying the offensive load with 202 all purpose yards.
We win ugly 16-12.
Worst: Kyle Whittingham has the Utes rolling through Corvallis on a Friday night but Avery Roberts says not so fast my friend pre game.
The Utah offense is abysmal for the 10th year in a row and Dennis Erickson stands on the sideline for OSU murmuring the play calls.
OSU offense rises to hold Utah to a 14-14 tie with 3 minutes to go. Zach Moss breaks the OSU defense with a 49 yard run and a fake FG pass TD by an amazing random Australian punter that is Utah’s signature and proves to be the difference. Tristan Gebbia enters his name in the transfer portal. All JC d-lineman decommit on their official visit week.
We lose 21-14.
Best: Fresh off a great defensive performance, and a #20 ranking, Beaver offense says it’s their turn to carry the team… Champ Flemmings has 190 yard receiving and an 90 yard kick off return TD. Adds a short rushing TD on fly sweep to go along with 2 TD catches to total 4 TDs and a program record 618 all purpose yards. Utah keeps it close as Tim Tibesar’s defense shows weakness against Huntley and crew. Whittingham mistakes new AD Pat Casey for Scott Barnes, tries to hug him, Pat flips him off. Everything is caught on camera and Pat is applauded by all fans outside of Utah as everyone is always thinking about what he did when they see Kyle Whittingham.
We win 48-38 to go to 6-0 and a #13 ranking.
Worst: Reeling from a tough defeat in Corvallis to Utah, Mark Banker sees hope for the defense. However, he shows up to practice with a black eye and rumors swirl. Meanwhile, Jonathan Smith’s knuckles are bruised… Nick Daschels routine background check comes back on Jonathan Smith during game-week and reveals that in 2002 after his college career, Niner went to a club to play Fifa with then Chad Johnson (Ocho Cinco) and beat Chad in 13 straight games then went on a drunken stooper with Chad and TJ the day before the Bengals played the Seahawks. TJ and Chad got off scott free as Niner took the blame for the three cars they stole and took to the local demo derby in Cincy while painting cars green and yellow and then proceeding to smash them in the derby. Niner was jailed for two nights and then later bailed out by former teammate Marty Mauer. Nothing was on record as the police thought he was the water boy for Chad and TJ nothing more…
Nick Daschel tries to run with this story and say that Niner encourages bad behavior by college students and then covers it up for the star players by dumping previous players under the bus. Christian Wallace is his main “source.” Wallace quote: “yea coach Smith is a dude who talks dude watchu mean man g, bud, eou, aodfg”
Quote gets plastered on front of SI. Niner gets put on probation by Scott Barnes for three games. Jake Cookus for the second straight year gets promoted to interim head coach. It’s a wreck. Team loses faith and gets pummeled by Cal. Jack Colletto breaks pelvis and Aidan Willard is forced to run the team after being absent for most of fall camp. Offense is now in mutiny mode and Isiah Hodgins announces he is declaring for the draft mid season and will not play in any more games. Tyjon Lindsey stays with it and tweets “that’s my quarterback” TO meme at Willard. Banker retweets.
We lose 29-0.
Best: Niner sees Beau Baldwin pre game and is cordial. Beau says he is a better offensive mind. Niner scoffs.
Tim Tibesar pulls the defense together and says “do this for Niner.” They ensue to suffocate the Cal offense and force 6 turnovers and 2 defensive TDs. Brian Lindgren pulls out a trick play that involves Tyjon Lindsey, Hamiclar Rashed, Elu Aydon, Jefferson and ending with champ running through John McCartan’s legs for a TD. Niner mouths to Lindgren “run it up Brian! Leave no doubt!”
Luton throws 6 TD’s, Niner puts Nick Moore in to spite Beau and the EWU program that once was and he runs in 2 scores and throws another. Postgame, Niner congratulates Beau Baldwin for not coaching at Oregon State, thanks him for pulling offer from incoming QB Ben Gulberson. Casey Filkins sees this interaction and instantly decommits from Cal citing “unimaginative offensive coaching.” Andy Alferi jumps ship and posts pic of Beaver Brat at next home game…
Beavs jump to #6 overall and 7-0. We win 70-10.
Worst: After Nick Daschels column with Christian Wallace as his star witness, Niner is suspended pending investigation by Scott Barnes.
Jake Cookus quits because of stress and becomes a logging supervisor with Thomas Tyner in Bend. Banker takes over head coaching.
Banker confident after he coached Hawaii defense to win, says he has the perfect plan.
John McCartan spies Kahlil Tate whole game, sacks him three times and recovers two fumbles. Defense proves to not be horrible and limits the cats to 10 points.
Offense does enough even with 4 turnovers and they squeak out a victory and Banker takes the team to In and Out for old times sake. Tristan Gebbia officially leaves team and plans to play for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers that Mike Riley is the current coach at in the CFL. League starts in 2059.
We win 16-10.
Best: Luton to Jesiah Irish. Implant that in your mind. It happens 16 times and Irish goes for 329 yard and 5 TD’s besting the Hawaii WR performance in Week 0. Luton throws 4 picks however and gets pulled for Gebbia who shows amazing poise and leads the team to a grinding victory in the end. Smith reminds the team, “We have to stay grounded. This is built stick by stick. One at a time.” Jalen Moore responds: “We got the sticks coach, BTD!” Casey Filkins and Andy Alferi commit in postgame locker room. Andrew Nemec downplays both and quickly tries to delete previous articles praising the two players… gets called out by Sidd Finch on twitter. Aaron Feld defends Nemec. “He flexed once.”
We win 56-38 and go to 8-0.
Worst: Coach Pete says Niner is cute pre game. Scott Barnes still investigating, asks Coach Pete for advice. Doesn’t say anything more. The Dogs woof at Reser. Blowout the Beavs. Niner trial pending with NCAA. Mark Banker goes to the top of the Peacock and dances during happy hour. Bruce Read karokes to Ricky Martin.
We lose 56-10.
Best: At 8-0 (5-0 in conference) and Washington at 9-0 (6-0) in conference, GameDay comes to town… Tensions are high as Dawg fans are verbally abusing Niner pre-game still wondering how Jake Browning never improved in the 11 years playing at UW and how Tyrone Willingham was ever the UW coach. Niner doesn’t come out for the whole pre game on field. TV thinks he isn’t at stadium. No players warm up. No one can be found…
Arty emerges from the inflatable Beaver helmet appearing to be levitating but he is really just standing on Champs shoulder who is hidden under Arty’s calves. Coach Pete has a stroke on the sideline in disbelief as the stadium is blacked out… Helicopters can be heard overhead and orange sirens are seen… Elu parachutes from the sky and the captains follow and skydive into the stadium. Jake Cookus takes credit postgame for the plan as he is interviewed for a brilliant onside kick play where Elu throws Champ in the air and he catches the onside kick in mid air and takes a fly sweep 24 yards for the win with zeroes showing on the clock.
Coach Pete recovers at local hospital and Ethan Braught does his insurance paperwork.
We win 28-26. Desmond Howard drinks a cup of real Beaver juice provided by the animal science department at OSU.
Worst: Herm Edwards brings the Devils in with their hair on fire and in a battle for Chad Johnson Jr.’s recommit for the 2020 class.
Pro style offense dooms Bankers’ defense for the first time since 2010 and ASU handles the pathetic offense lead by Willard. Brian Lindgren questions Banker’s true motives postgame. Jordan Whitely asks to play running back or threatens to transfer.
We lose 37-12.
Best: Reser is rocking for the second straight week. A sold out crowd shakes the stadium and the West End collapses during the 4th quarter. Game tied at 24, it is forced to be relocated to Crescent Valley High School’s grass field. Herm Edwards brings Scott Sanders on staff for the 4th quarter. Eno Benjamin breaks an 80 yard run but drops ball before goal line. Glasses ref can’t review because Crescent Valley has no cameras set up. Score counts and proves to be the difference. However, Chad Johnson Jr. begins questioning his commitment…
We lose 38-36.
@ Washington State
Worst: Gage Gabrud throws for 900 yards and 12 TD’s. Banker spends the night in Pullman. Bruce Read is hired on as special teams consultant as Jordan Choukair misses 8 field goal attempts from 35 yards out and 2 extra points. It doesn’t matter.
We lose 96-12. Mike Leach looks for different job as he proclaims postgame, “this is too easy..”
Best: Snow falling in late November and Pullman rocking as this is for the Pac-12 North title. Andrew Nemec writes article pre game about how it’s unbelievable and a miracle that Washington State and Oregon State are a combined 18-2 on the season because they have no 4 or 5 star recruits and are consistently ranked 11th and 12th in the conference in recruiting. He starts questioning if the coaches are evaluating talent correctly.
With momentum and Luton looking to atone for previous injuries against the Cougs, Niner takes the ball out of his hands and the Air Raid and runs 70 running plays. Jefferson runs for 200 and Arty goes for 243. OSU doesn’t punt and WSU has 4 total possessions. Mike Leach hires Navy coach as offensive coordinator and switches to the triple option.
We win 28-7 and clinch the Pac-12 North and head to the Civil War 10-1.
Worst: Con’s funeral is a success. He was 27 years old.
Beavs end season 2-10. Mark Banker is given lifetime contract to coach at OSU. He accepts. Hires Gary Andersen as his defensive coordinator. Scott Barnes forces Issac Barnes to be walk on QB and gets promised starting position ahead of 2020 season.
Wayne Tinkle receives lifetime contract after he goes 16-16. Promises HUGE 2020 season. Scott Rueck leaves to be the coach at Uconn.
OSU Baseball goes 20-35 and Kevin Abel never plays baseball again. Kerry Eggers retires and moves to Spain. Angie Machado takes over Portland Tribune. John Canzano and Andrew Nemec go on strike for the Oregonian and join Antifa. Celebrated for “tolerance and diversity,” both get hired at Nike. OSU gets dropped by Nike and Scott Barnes signs new contract with K-Swiss. Says “they are one of kind and this will strategically improve our position in all sports. The shoe with the shield.”
Brian Lindgren leaves to be the offensive coordinator at Oregon. Justin Herbet gets medical hardship waiver. Phil swan dives off Reser and is caught by redcoats. Get’s put in insane asylum. Is forced to wear green and yellow jumpsuit to combat his inner demons. Braught becomes house dad at local sorority and gets fired because he refuses to talk to any of the pledges. Con loses job and is forced to work at the Young Life service center in the HR department. JD moves to Texas to work for the Dallas Cowboys as Zekes personal slave. Ash and Payson move in with Lisa and enjoy their time without any men in their lives. Vow to never watch Beaver football again. Scott Barnes becomes new president of Oregon State and eliminates OSU WBB and Baseball citing “funding” issues.
Niner is indicted and claims insanity and is sent to same asylum as Phil. Phil mumurs 430.235 years until competitiveness. Kalani Sitake leads BYU to a Rose Bowl birth but loses to a coachless Utah State team lead by Darrel Garretson. Conor Blount wins FCS Heisman.
Best: Oregon comes in at 0-11 looking for a glimmer of hope to end the season on. Mario Cristoball blames “injuries” for their struggles. Brian Lindgren calls the same trick play as the disastrous Civil War in 2018 as first play of the game and instead Luton throws a 90 yard TD on a throwback to Champ.
Champ has 900 all purpose yards and 4 TD’s. Jefferson and Arty both surpass 1,000 yard rushing on the season and 10 TD’s each. Add 500 yards a piece breaking the threshold with two screen passes that both go for TD’s.
Luton gets carried off the field and joins the 35th and Jackson crew at Taylor’s post game for 9 *uck it buckets. Tells Con and Braught they will be groomsmen in his wedding in 3 months. Doesn’t even invite them to wedding or bachelor parties. Braught gets married to Nike exec. Mario Cristoball gets fired after going 0-12. Oregon hires Don Pellum as head coach. We win the Civil War in dominating fashion, 74-0. Ducks send out walk ons to play second half. Oregon burns their new cheer uniforms. Con laughs.
Dana Altman is arrested for paying players and sentenced to life in prison. Beaver basketball fires Wayne Tinkle and Pat Casey steps in as permanent head coach.
We dominate Utah AGAIN in the Pac-12 championship, get snubbed from CFP but destroy Ohio State in Rosebowl. Arty becomes first player to have 7 80+ yard touchdown runs against one team in his career. Both Arty and Jefferson get invited to Heisman finalist show. Arty wins Heisman but gives it to Jefferson. “He the real MVP.”
Luton gets selected by the Seahawks in the first round and starts in 2020 and leads them to Super Bowl after Russel Wilson retires to become the manager for the new Portland Baseball MLB team.
Niner signs lifetime contract and Bob Lundenberg moves back from Boise and buys the Oregonian with his life savings money that he put down and won on the Beavers winning the Pac-12 championship in Vegas. Hires Kerry Eggers to cover all OSU sports. Donates $100 million to OSU and Pat Casey fundraises the rest of the money and completes Reser Stadium West in 5 months. Earthquake breaks Autzen in two.
Both scenarios are extremely likely to happen. Which one will it be???